Dear Gracie
If you're looking for some practical, biblically based advice, look no farther than Dear Gracie. She'll share sound advice for today's contemporary issues. Submit your question today, or read her column and glean from advice given to others.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).
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Friends & Relationships | Health | Marriage & Family | Spiritual Walk
Most Recent Submission
Dear Gracie,
Two and one-half years ago my husband told me that he had been unfaithful in our marriage twice and once before we were married. I adored my husband and believed he felt the same about me. I was completely devastated and broken. I heard God command me very clearly to forgive him and so I did at that time. We sought counseling with our Pastor and his wife and tried to rebuild. The problem is now I am so angry all the time and bitter, I have lost almost all sexual desire for him, there are times when it seems like my love is returning then it is gone again. I do not want to punish him forever, that is not my intent, he is a very good, Godly husband, but at the same time I struggle to get over it. My mom is a very depressed and angry, negative person and I feel like I am becoming her. My husband has made no problem of pointing that out to me. I find myself fantasizing when I am with him to get by but I know that is sin. I feel so condemned and broken. What to do?
Submitted on Monday, August 16, 2010 | Comments (0) | Submit a Comment
Dear Feeling Condemned,
No doubt you are in a difficult place in your marriage. But God did not ask you to remain in the marriage so that you could spiral into sin. Very often God will use a battle to reveal the things in us that He wants to change. Bitterness and anger are stored in the heart and triggered by an event - not caused by one. As you know, love is a commitment, not a feeling. Though the feeling of closeness, intimacy, or even liking another person may come and go, love is the determination to make it work.
Jesus told us, "If you love me, obey my commandments." (John 14:15). Since God has spoken to you clearly about staying, then the work is about your obedience and determiniation to not let your feelings rule over you.
Though you think you forgave your husband "at that time." Obviously, there is unfinished business. Forgiveness does not result in anger and bitterness, but unforgiveness does. The issue of infidelity is deep and profoundly painful. The usual course of healing after infidelity takes time and comes in layers. For this reason I highly recommend you and your husband seek ongoing marital coaching. If you think that your pastor and his wife gave helpful and wise counsel before, return to them and ask them to help you through this next layer of anger. If they were not as helpful as you would like, seek out professional biblical counseling to help you during this season.
I strongly suggest you and your husband make it a habit to attend a marriage conference annually or semi-annually to keep things in check and grow through this season and into a new season of health. Go to www.familylife.com and look into their Weekend to Remember conferences. They don't have any currently scheduled for New Mexico, but they offer several in Colorado and Arizona, both easy drives for the weekend.
Additionally, there are several resources from Focus on the Family that I recommend you look into. Go to their web page at www.focusonthefamily.com and select marriage. There are several categories that will pop up and each of them offers helpful resources. In the Sex and Intimacy category, read the article, Building a Pure Marriage by Robin Weldner. She too has dealt with infidelity and writes about the redeeming power of God. Also read Recovering Friendship in the Wake of Broken Trust, Ten Steps to a Deeper Friendship with your Spouse, and God's Design for Sex. There is an entire category dealing with sex, you may want to read several of the articles provided.
Think of this as a battle - there is work to be done. When God gave the Promise Land to the children of Israel, they still had to go and conquer the land, in other words they had to fight for it. So it is with the Promise Land of your marriage, God told you it is yours, now you have to fight for it. Get the resources offered here and study the appropriate materials with your husband. Don't just passively read it, but study the material and apply the principles. You are in this battle together.
Regarding the sexual fantasies, the only answer is - stop. Assuming your fantasies involve not just where and when, but seem to indicate who. Think of it on the same level of Internet pornography, only a more devious ploy by the enemy because no one knows when you are "on-line". The first step is to stop. If you go through a season of not reaching your full sexual fulfillment, so be it. Participate with your husband in his sexual needs, pray for the Lord to restore His intended desire in you, and search out resources to help you along the way.
God has spoken to you, He will direct and bless your obedience. Go conquer the Promise Land.
Gracie