Dear Gracie
If you're looking for some practical, biblically based advice, look no farther than Dear Gracie. She'll share sound advice for today's contemporary issues. Submit your question today, or read her column and glean from advice given to others.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).
Dear Gracie
I am doing my very best to follow my husband's lead spiritually. Though it seems I am more patient when it comes to serving Christ, I want to serve him whole heartedly, with my whole life, willing and ready to take risks. My husband is the sole provider for our family - we have 5 children I am a stay at home mom, so I understand his apprehension. We currently are not actively serving, just gong to Church each week. I don't want to grow complacent as I know God wants to and can do great and amazing things with and through us. What do I do to help encourage him more? I have been praying for him but I feel like I am losing heart sometimes. Don't get me wrong - he is a very godly man and serves us here at home so much. He loves us and does so much for us. He loves the Lord and loves me the way Christ loves the Church. He keeps telling me he is praying and waiting on God.
Submitted on Friday, August 22, 2008
Dear Melisssa:
You are no doubt ready and raring to serve! However, just because the Holy Spirit has called you at this time, it doesn’t mean your husband has received the same urgent call at this time. There are seasons in a persons life when they are more involved with their first ministry (providing for, serving, and loving their family), and seasons when there is more margin to get involved outside the family.
Being the sole financial support for a family of seven is no small task. Kudos to your husband for being the godly man your letter says he is; loving you as Christ loved the church, serving you and the kids at home, regularly attending church, and evidently praying about when and where the Lord would like to use him in other areas.
There really isn’t much more you can ask for where your husband is concerned. On the other hand, you seem to have the margin, desire, prompting and energy to serve – so go for it!
There are countless opportunities for you to get involved and serve. Most churches desperately need volunteers for children’s ministry – even if you start out stocking classrooms or cleaning toys. There are special events that need extra volunteers, people (national leaders included) who need prayer, sick and elderly who would love to have a visitor – the possibilities are endless. Visit www.calvaryabq.org to view a sampling of the service opportunities open to you, then pray and ask the Lord to direct you to the ministry He desires for you. Also, pray that the Holy Spirit would give you and your husband the same prompting when and if you are to serve in ministry together. In the mean time, get yourself plugged in and start serving!
“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” Ecc 3:1
Blessings to you as you enter an exciting season of service!
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
My husband and I have been married now 3 years in September, we were highschool sweethearts of now almost 15 years. My husband didn't want children and I did. We were told I couldn't have kids and after 4 months of trying we have now a 5 month old daughter. During my pregnancy we found out we were a victim of fraud that ended up drastically affecting our financial situation. We had a plan in order for our lives but with this happening to us, it basically took the rug from under us and well, we lost any money we had, our credit and almost our home. Due to this stress, I was happy that God did let me carry the baby to term and she has been very healthy but had colic for the first 4 months. All of this had some drastic effects in my relationship with my husband where he started drinking and it made matters worse. With the new baby and the financial stress, I gave him an ultimatum to either stop drinking or I had no choice but to leave. He stopped drinking and we started going to Calvary a couple of months ago but our relationship is on the rocks. We've discussed divorce a few times and I also put on some weight with the added stress. We talk about the positive of everything but when we get stressed out we bring up past events and then aruge about divorcing again. He is a good father to the baby but I feel like I'm learning who he is all over again and I just don't know how strong our relationship is anymore. Plus I feel like we don't have much in common. What can you recommend to me to try and keep my marriage together? I'm not sure if we should stay together or not.
Joy
Submitted on Thursday, August 07, 2008
Dear Joy,
I’m so sorry to hear about the many trials that have come your way lately. It’s not unusual for such trial to put strain on a marriage. However, it seems the Lord is definitely working in your and your husband’s lives. Your baby is healthy, though your husband began drinking, as of the time of your letter, he has stopped, and the two of you are attending Calvary together. These are all very positive developments.
I want to encourage you and your husband to seek counsel from one of the pastors at Calvary regarding your marriage. Marriages rarely fall apart over night; and they are not usually fixed over night either. Repairing a strained marriage, or building a healthy marriage is a process that requires ongoing adjustment. There are several pastors on staff that are well equipped to help you and your husband walk through your differences and repair your marriage. Calvary also offers “Marriage Tune-Up” classes that are great for all stages of marriage.
Prayer, biblical counseling, and a willingness to change are the keys to keeping your marriage together.
Regarding your uncertainty if you should stay together, let me offer a resounding, “YES!” The Bible is very clear about how God feels about divorce (He hates it).
Malachi 2:16 says, “For I hate divorce!” says the LORD, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the LORD of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” (NLT)
Jesus said in Matthew 5:31-32 “You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’ But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery. (NLT)
In Matthew 19: 4-6 Jesus says, “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’ And he said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” (NLT)
So, scripture is clear regarding divorce; there is really only one biblical reason for two Christians to divorce – adultery – and even then, God’s best and highest is still reconciliation if at all possible. (1 Corinthians 7:15 makes provision for the occasion when an unbelieving spouse departs.)
Your letter did not indicate that you and your child are in harm’s way. If you are, then you should speak to one of the pastors regarding getting yourself to safety, but still not perusing divorce outside the above parameters.
Given that you and your husband are both attending Calvary, I have great hope that you will quickly connect with one of the pastors and get your marriage back on the right track!
Blessings to you as you work toward keeping your family in tact.
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
When I was a little girl, I would have these very frightening dreams. I would be half awake and could see everything around me, but I could not move. I would say the LORD'S prayer to fully awaken myself and would be very afraid to go back to sleep. Later, as a teen I suffered with anxiety and depression. I finally turned my life to God and things REALLY did change, so I know that He heals. Lately, however, I have been feeling very low. I moved far from my family with my husband and baby. My little one is 4 years old, and is in another state for a month. My husband went away on training so I was feeling very lonely and sad. I was also becoming very irritated with my husband, even when he was gone all I wanted was to have him home! I began worrying about my little girl and find myself constantly checking on her at ALL times! My doctor finally prescribed an antidepressant and after taking only one, I have had two very scary panic attacks that resulted in me waking up at 3am after a seriously disturbing dream. I dreamt that someone was trying to hurt me and I awoke feeling scared, and for a second, thinking that it was real! I don't want to worry anymore about my daughter and panic about her well-being! I don't want to cause issues in my marriage. I hate that I go through a moment of not trusting my husband, even though I know that he would not and is not doing anything to hurt our relationship. I don't want to have to take prescription drugs, especially when they are only doing more harm than good! I just want God to heal my mind and touch my soul like He did when I was just a girl. I know it may sound crazy, but I feel that something is just picking on me, or am I unknowingly doing it to myself? If so, how can I stop it?
God Bless,
Little Girl All Over Again
Submitted on Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Dear Little Girl All Over Again:
First let me commend you on stepping forward and voicing your battle. Many women face similar trials, but suffer in silence not reaching out to others for help.
As human beings, we are composed of body, mind and spirit. In order for these three parts to work in harmony, all three need to be functioning in a healthy manner. If our spiritual life is lackluster it can affect our mind and body. Likewise if our mind is filled with anxious, worried, and negative thoughts, it can affect our spiritual life and our physical health. If our physical health is suffering from any variety of imbalances including lack of exercise, poor diet, chemical imbalances, hormonal changes etc., that can have an effect on our minds and our spiritual life.
It appears from your letter that you are experiencing effects in all three arenas; mind, body and spirit. It can take time to unravel the puzzle of which came first – the chicken or the egg. In the mean time, action is needed to get all three elements on the road to better health. Here is a general action plan to get things started:
1. Consult a pastor or biblical counselor for input and possible cooperation with a physician regarding medication for your symptoms of anxiety and depression.
2. If your primary care physician has seen fit to prescribe medication, but the medication has negative side effects, you may want to seek the advice of a psychiatrist to refine the prescription process. There are numerous medications for anxiety and depression all with different efficacy and side effects. Psychiatrists specialize in these medications and are highly knowledgeable about their effects. Be sure to inquire before the appointment to make sure the psychiatrist is willing to cooperate with a biblically based counseling approach.
3. Begin to fellowship with a small group immediately. Being far away from family, having your husband gone, and your little one out of town can bring on profound feelings of loneliness. Calvary offers small home fellowship groups that you can join immediately, and hopefully you and your husband can continue to attend when he returns to town. If you both attend, then there will be a sense of family and continuity when your husband needs to travel. The Bible is full of encouragement to fellowship with other believers and is pointed out as a practice of the early church in the book of Acts. The women’s ministry will be resuming their Bible study this fall and they offer child-care for the morning study. This is another excellent opportunity for fellowship in small groups.
4. Immediately begin a practical plan to renew your mind. Counseling and medical advice may take some time, but you may immediately begin the process of taking your thoughts captive.
Eph 4:23 “and be renewed in the spirit of your mind.”
Rom 12:2 “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”
The obvious question is how to go about renewing your mind? The answer is through submersing yourself in God’s word. Ephesians 6:11 - 18 instructs us in battle and verse 17 - 18 specifically says, “…and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; (18) praying always…”
This means you will need to select scriptures to memorize and turn into prayers. There are many helpful resources online and in Christian bookstores to get you on your path, but in the mean time, start with the following verses:
Psalm 37: 1-5
Luke 12:22-30
Romans 8:28
Acts 27:21-25
Philippians 4:6-8
Ephesians 6: 11-18
Proverbs 4:23
Psalm 34 (read the whole Psalm)
Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think on these things.”
Write down all of the above scriptures on note cards, carry them with you and place them by your bed at night. When you begin to panic, think bad thoughts about your husband, or awake from a nightmare, immediately grab your scripture cards and begin reading them. Push the old thought out of your mind with the word of God. Thinking “nice thoughts” is not the strategy, replacing negative thoughts with God’s Word is the critical part. Any time you try to push away a negative thought, you must replace the thought with something else or the negative thought simply returns. The most powerful “something else” is God’s word. If you have your cards with you, you can read one or several virtually anywhere; in the grocery store, at a stop light, or quickly in the middle of the night. Eventually, these verses will saturate your mind and you will branch out to other verses as well.
5. I’m sure you are keeping all of this in prayer. Do not stop. Ask the Lord for His wisdom and to guide you to supportive believers who can help you walk through this season. He will.
All of this may sound like a lot to tackle, but you sound like someone who really is motivated to get results and I have faith that you will begin to act immediately. I’m certain there are women reading this who have walked in your shoes and will pray for you as I have.
Blessings to you as the Lord guides you to renewed health in mind, body and spirit,
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I am writing you because I am trying to find biblical help about birth control. I am not sure if its right to use birth control to prevent pregnancy just because my husband and I may not think its the best time to have a baby. I would like to know what the Bible has to say about this topic. Any advice will help. Thank you and God bless!
Wondering
Submitted on Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Dear Wondering:
The Bible is silent on the specific topic of birth control though it has much to say about the blessing of children. And though children are a blessing, we are also called to be good stewards and to be wise. Children are both a gift and a responsibility. They require a great deal of love, time, patience, and financial resources. If God has shown you and your husband that you are not ready to start a family, or that this is not the right season for starting a family, you should follow His guiding.
The choice of when and for what length of time you use birth control should be made prayerfully between you and your husband. The type of birth control you choose should be made prayerfully and with full education regarding the various methods. Be sure to choose a method that prevents conception rather than terminates an early stage pregnancy. Some birth control methods are designed for prevention of conception, but have what the manufacturers call, “added efficacy” in that they can cause termination of an already fertilized egg. Methods that have this effect would obviously not be pleasing to God. This is a discussion you should have with your physician and do some research on your own as well. There are many methods of birth control that do not terminate an already fertilized egg and would allow you and your husband to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship while waiting to start your family.
If you have any doubt that God intended sexual relations between a husband and a wife for pleasure as well as procreation, read the Song of Solomon and all doubt will quickly be erased!
Blessings to you -
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I don't know how tell my husband about his very strong sweat odor. He works very hard and he sweats a lot, but sometimes he does not realize how strong the odor is. He likes to be around people and I try to drop hints for him to shower before going out in public, but he always says, "Oh, I don't need to shower now, I already did this morning," but the problems is, that he does smell bad, because he sweats so much. The same thing occurs with his breath. He eats very spicy foods but refuses to carry breath mints. I've seen people take a step back when he is talking, and I've seen them offer him a mint, and sometimes he'll take it, but sometimes he won't.
I've tried little hits, here and there, but if I say it straight out, he gets offended and we end up having this huge argument. Please advise.
Signed,
Afraid
Submitted on Thursday, June 26, 2008
Dear Afraid –
Personal hygiene is a tricky topic sometimes. Since you have tried to address the topic yourself without success, perhaps you can enlist the help of another person. Sometimes men listen to other men when they don’t listen to their wives (and wives listen to other women too!). Have you ever noticed that we can tell someone close to us something again and again, but then when they hear it from another, it’s as though it’s a new revelation! We are funny creatures in that way.
Pray about a friend or pastor who would be able to effectively approach your husband about the issue. Gently explain to the friend or pastor that you don’t want to embarrass your husband, but this is an area that you feel needs to be addressed so he can take appropriate action. If your husband takes that advice, refrain from any form of “I told you so” and simply be grateful that the problem is resolved.
You may want to buy some scented diaper wipes to keep in the bathroom and when the opportunity arises, instead of suggesting a shower, you can say, “I bought some wipes so you can wipe your underarms before we go.” If he says he doesn’t need to, you can simply say, “Actually you do need to, but the choice is yours.” And leave it at that.
Regarding his breath, do an internet search on bad breath or halitosis and you will find that spicy food alone should not produce long lasting bad breath. Chances are your husband is not properly digesting his food, has a stomach acid disorder, some food allergies, or a mouth/gum issue. You may print off information that you feel applies best and pray about the right time to say, “Honey, I’m worried about your digestion, or dental health This article says...”
Keep this in prayer and soon all should smell sweet.
Blessings,
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I have been in a relationship for three years that I thought was going to turn into a marrige but almost a week ago we woke up and he just decided that he needs some space. I am so very confussed and angry; I thought that GOD had finally answered my prayer for a good husband for me and a father for my sons and in one breath it all seems gone. How could I feel so hurt and confussesd.
Heart Broken
Submitted on Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Dear Heart Broken:
I am so sorry to hear of your disappointment and hurt. I have prayed for your heart to be healed and would like to offer the following insight.
First and foremost you are in the very capable and loving hands of the Lord. Psalm 147:3 says, speaking of the Lord, “He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds.” Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.”
You see, it’s not that we go through this life without being brokenhearted, but we serve a loving God who is the only one who truly knows how to heal our broken hearts. People will say that time heals the broken heart – not so – God heals the broken heart and it happens to take time.
You may find yourself going through several of the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, and depression before you come to the final stage of acceptance. A stage may come and go more than once, but cling to the Lord, read and re-read the two Psalms above. Turn them into prayers that you pray to the Lord and ask that He make His comfort known to you during this season.
We may not understand why a hurtful event happens in our life, but we do get the blessing and comfort of a loving God who sent His Son to heal the brokenhearted (Luke 4:18) and ultimately to take our sin upon Himself so that we may avoid the most hurtful event of all – eternal separation from God.
Cling to the Lord and His word and He will heal your broken heart.
Blessings –
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
Please pray for me. I have some serious health issues including the need to lose 40 pounds(which will help some of the problems). I NEED/WANT to get healthy and totaly in God's will. I want to have energy and health back and be out in the world bringing the lost to the saving knowledge of our Lord Jesus. Please help me with prayer support. I am so tired of being sick and uncomfortable with no energy. I missed work again yesterday (without pay), and I believe most of it's the weight issues. I have difficulty breathing at times.
God Bless
Love In Christ,
Cheryl
Submitted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Dear Cheryl,
I have and will pray for you and your effort to loose weight and regain your health. Your letter didn’t indicate if you have seen a physician regarding your health issues and desire to lose weight. If you have not done so yet, let me strongly encourage you to do so immediately so you can be tested for disease states (i.e. low thyroid etc) that may be interfering with your efforts.
Also, most hospitals offer dietician services at very reasonable rates, or if prescribed by a physician, the fee may be covered by insurance. There are many wonderful resources to turn to for sound nutritional advice and an exercise program that fits your fitness level. Some rehabilitation facilities have warm pools where the general public can exercise by walking in the warm water, or using resistance bands while supported by the water. The warm pools are particularly beneficial for individuals with negative physical effects from cold temperatures.
In addition to offering this to the Lord in prayer and asking for His Holy Spirit to give you wisdom and self control, ask Him to guide you to the right experts to help you with your quest.
Weight issues have become epidemic in our country and we are confronted countless times a day with temptation, please find someone to encourage you, keep you accountable and moving forward with your plan.
God bless you and may He guide you in your journey of weight loss and better health. I pray your journey would inspire others to lean on God’s strength while traveling on their own journey toward health.
To His glory and your health!
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I have a married co-worker who is always asking for time off because her husband "says so." She is only part-time but I feel that she spends more time away from work than actually at work. I am now full-time but I never get to ask for time off. I am single and where we work, we do have to work holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter. My co-worker is always off for these holidays because her husband "says so" or she will quit. This is unfair not only to me but to my other co-workers. I feel like I am being "punished" by her because God has not provided a husband for me yet. Why shouldn't I get to take a holiday off? I spend them with my mom and sister, so that too should count. Our boss even joked with her and said "Tell me when you are going to work." What can I do?
Signed Full-Time Single Worker
Submitted on Monday, April 07, 2008
Dear Full-Time Single Worker,
Your company should have a policy for all employees, full- and part-time, regarding time off, sick leave, etc. Respectfully ask your employer to provide, or create a policy in writing so everyone can have a clear understanding of company policies. A company has the right to set their own policies that conform to the prevailing laws, including laws regarding discrimination. Those policies should be understood by everyone in the company, and adhered to by employer and employee.
The situation has nothing to do with being “punished” for being single by your co-worker. Your co-worker is not responsible for setting or enforcing company policy.
Read the Parable of the Laborers, Mathew 10:1-16. Note that the amount of work differed greatly for the same pay – a denarius. In our flesh we want to cry, “That’s not fair!” which is basically what the laborers did when they murmured against the landowner. However, each worker was paid the agreed upon amount.
If you were hired with the understanding that you would work all holidays, then nothing has changed in terms of your agreement with your employer. Your letter indicates you are more upset about your co-worker not being required to work holidays than you are about you being required to work holidays. Keep your focus on the agreement you made with your employer upon your hire, not on whatever agreement your co-worker may have with your employer.
Remember to be respectful when interacting with your employer – you represent a much greater Master in heaven.
Blessing to you –
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
My daughter has been dating a guy for over a year now and from the time I met him I have not taken to him. We are a close family and now my daughter spends little or no time with her family, but a lot of time with her boyfriend's family. We haven't seen her for the past two Christmases and now recently over Easter. She tries to justify things but I know that it is really not from her heart! I am a good mother and have always been there for my family but this relatioship has caused a great deal of division. It is so hard to try to be strong all the time. How should I handle this situation.
Kindest regards
Charlene
Submitted on Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Dear Charlene:
The answer that follows assumes that your daughter is an adult who is living on her own. If that is not the case, by all means please write back, as the advice would differ considerably.
I will start off with the obvious, pray, pray, pray! Free will is a beautiful and painful thing in life. I dare say you are sharing in our Lord’s suffering when His children, once close, turned from Him and began to place their interests elsewhere. The Lord uses circumstances, His word, fellow believers, and His Holy Spirit to try to bring us back into fellowship with Him. Your tools are really no different. However, lacking the ability to direct circumstances or people, your prayers will have to be that God will use these things to bring your daughter back into fellowship with your family. The bigger question is that of her fellowship with the Lord. Is she a believer? Is she walking with the Lord? Is the guy she is dating a believer? Is his family? If the answer to any of these questions is “no” the Lord may be using the circumstance of your daughter’s distance from you to symbolize her distance from Him and how He misses her. He may be using the circumstances to motivate you to pray for her in a bigger way.
Chances are that if she has her walk right with the Lord, and you and your husband do as well, then she will come around to the place of wanting to honor her parents (Ex 20:12) as an outpouring of her love for Jesus and a desire to please the Father.
In addition to payer there are some practical steps you can take. First, stay in contact with her and maintain a loving relationship - as much as depends on you. Resist the temptation to go down the path of placing guilt or complaining about her absence. Let her know that you missed her presence at the family gathering and that everyone sends their regards, etc. Ironically, the more guilt we place on someone trying to lure them home, the more they want to stay away. Let her know you love her, are praying for her, and would love to see her and her boyfriend sometime. Keep her informed about the family, let her know how she can pray for the family and ask how you might pray for her. Keep the lines of communication open and loving.
Remember that it is Jesus’ love for us that attracts us to Him and it will be your love for your daughter that attracts her back to you.
As the saying goes, you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.
May your family be close again soon –
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
My husband and I are trying to start a family, however the Lord wants us to wait patiently for his perfect timing of blessing us with a baby. In this waiting process my husband and I get really frustrated with the small little things in our lives. We seem to have too many agruments. It's not helping our relationship at all. I really want things to get better between the two of us. How should my attitude towards my husbands be, even when he gets upset with me.Thanks so much.
Submitted on Thursday, March 06, 2008
Dear Rochelle:
Since Genesis, the issue of waiting upon the Lord to bring a child has caused some issues between husbands and wives. The good news is that women have gone before you on this path and there is much to learn from their experience.
We read the story of Sarai and her journey through childbearing in Genesis 12-20. Though she eventually conceived according to God’s promise, she had trouble believing God’s promise, tried to take things into her own hands, and then blamed others when she didn’t like the outcome. Nonetheless, she is listed in the Hall of Faith in Hebrews 11.
Modern-day women experience their share of doubt and stress when it comes to waiting upon the Lord for a child as well. The stress can then interfere with conception. Many parents report conceiving after having “given up” and adopting a baby only to find out a few months later they are pregnant! Other have stopped trying to conceive (though not trying to prevent conception) and have happily found themselves pregnant once the stress was lifted.
As the Lord would have it, there is a beautiful teaching about Sarai (Sarah) on this Women at Calvary website. Click on “Studies”, then the “Women of Genesis” then scroll down to the teaching entitled, The Original Trophy Wife taught by Lenya Heitzig. Don’t let the title fool you or tempt you to procrastinate; the teaching addresses how Sarai (Sarah) responds to her husband, even when he is making poor decisions that directly affect her. Be sure to listen to the entire teaching – the end is quite powerful and I think you will find the answers you seek within the teaching.
Be sure to intercede for your husband during this time as well. Women tend to process their feelings with friends and family more than men do. Your husband will need to find a way to deal with his frustration in a manner that is pleasing to the Lord. Some men need an adrenaline release like working out, others need quiet walks to talk with the Lord uninterrupted, and still others need other men to talk with. Pray that the Lord will guide your husband to the right solution for him.
Hopefully you have friends or family supporting you in prayer also. If not, be sure to get that in place as well.
In the mean time, this is a good opportunity for you and your husband to learn about yourselves and your responses to stress. As wonderful as it is to have a baby, a toddler, and eventually a teenager in the home, it can also be quite stressful. This is the time to learn healthy responses to stress and practice appropriate stress relieving habits. Then when the new addition to your family comes, there will be on less “new” thing to learn!
Blessings upon you both as you wait upon the Lord.
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I have been with my fiance for three years but we haven't had money to get married. We lost our baby when I was 8 months pregnant with him. Since then we have been arguing alot. He seems to bring up things that have happened to me in my past relationships and always disrespects my family.
I feel like I need to get away from him but don't know what is keeping me there. I am so confused and scared that he is right about me being crazy, and that I will never find a man to truely love me. I have recently become a Christian and this makes it so hard to keep my faith and know that God is there. Do you have any advice for me? Thanks
Submitted on Sunday, March 02, 2008
Dear Anna –
I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss, and pray for the Lord to heal your heart, strengthen you, and give you His peace and joy. Knowing He is faithful and will do these things in your life, I would also like to encourage you to put some distance between you and your fiancé.
Your letter reads as though you have become a Christian, but your fiance has not. If this is the case, then scripture is very clear on Christians not marrying unbelievers (see below). Many women have walked this path before you thinking that, in time, the boyfriend or fiancé would eventually see the light and become a Christian as well. These women have disobeyed God’s word and not followed His wisdom and found themselves in lonely and often painful marriages.
The second problem is that of your fiancé using emotional/psychological manipulation to keep you in a relationship with him. It is a lie straight from Satan that you will never find a man to love you. If the Lord intends for you to marry, then He has a plan for a man who will love you, will not tear you down and not try to make you think you are crazy. A man who does and says the things your email mentions is not the kind of man any woman should marry.
My advice for keeping strong in your faith is this: Read your Bible every day – every single day. You may find that the New Living Translation is very good for understanding God’s word in today’s language. If you can get a Life Application Study Bible in the New Living Translation, you will find very good notes regarding the scripture you read and how to apply it to your life. Next, get involved with a group of believers who can come along side you and pray with you, comfort you, and encourage you during this difficult season. This may be a women’s ministry group or a home fellowship group in your church, but definitely get connected to other mature believers. Finally, please see a pastor or lay counselor at your church to help assist you with grieving the loss of your baby, your spiritual growth, and give you wise counsel regarding breaking things off with your fiancé. If he is playing games with your mind now, he will continue to do so. ou need to have wise counselors around you to keep your thoughts on track and to offer spiritual strength and support.
We are not meant to walk through our Christian lives alone, we are to support and encourage one another. You are part of a new family now – one that is healthy and loving, and wants what is best for you.
Here are some scripture verses to write on note cards and keep with you to help strengthen you during this time.
To remind you what love should look like: 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 (NLT)
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad at injustice but rejoices when the truth wins out.”
To remind you that you are not to marry an unbeliever: 2 Corinthians 6:14 (NKJ)
“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?”
To encourage to you to seek wise counsel: Proverbs 11:14 (NKJ)
“Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”
To encourage you to abide (stay firmly connected to Jesus) John 15: 1-4 (NLT)
“I am the true vine and, and My Father is the Gardner. He cuts off every branch that does not produce fruit and He prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned for greater fruitfulness by the message I have given you. Remain in Me and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful apart from Me.”
And John 15: 9-11 (NLT)
“I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey me, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father and remain in His love. I have told you this so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!
The day is ahead of you when your joy will overflow – go firmly in the direction of Jesus Christ and His leading.
Blessings –
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I am married to an unbeliever who doesn't know what he wants, or so he says. We are currentley seperated and living apart. We have two children, 4yrs and 6months.
He wants a divorce, I do not. He wants me to file for it. I think this is because he doesn't want to pay for it and so he can tell everyone it was what I wanted. I do not want to be influenced by other people, but the people I care and love have very sound and logical explanations as to why I should do it and be done with it. I do not know the Bible as well as I should, but find that I have become very familiar wit 1 Corinthians 7:10-17.
Help!!
Thanks,
Looking for Guidance
Submitted on Sunday, February 24, 2008
Dear Looking,
Your story breaks my heart. First I want you to know that I have prayed for you, your children, and your husband. Second, I want you to know that the Holy Spirit is guiding you by leading you directly to the scripture verses that relate to your situation. There is no better place for you to turn during this particular time. Verse 15 of 1 Corinthians clearly states, “But if the husband or wife who isn’t a Christian insists on going, let them go.” Note it does not say, “If the unbelieving husband or wife insists on going, then you may go.” The burden of leaving is on the unbelieving spouse who chooses to depart.
I am certain that your loved ones who are advising you have your best intentions at heart, but God’s ways are higher than man’s ways, and His thought are higher than our thoughts (Isa 55:9).
This may be an extended separation period in which the Lord wishes to work on your husband’s heart. I strongly recommend that you contact the church and make an appointment with one of the pastors or lay ministry counselors to seek additional counsel. There are, no-doubt many details in this situation and a pastor or lay counselor can help you walk through this difficult season. Additionally, we have a prayer ministry at Calvary where you may pray with someone or simply ask them to pray for you.
Please do not walk this road alone. The body of Christ, the church is there to help carry one another’s burdens. This is not a burden that you should carry alone.
You are a brave woman and mother and I pray the Lord will give you His peace, His strength, and His guidance through His word and through godly people around you.
Blessings upon you and your family –
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I am torn and not sure what God's perfect will would be and need godly counsel.
The specific issue is that of a neglected and abused dog. My husband and I used to live next door to this very sweet dog. She was always left outside, whether it was pouring rain, freezing cold, or a blistering hot summer day. Her little area was right below my bedroom window and one night when it was raining her makeshift dog house (which is not fully enclosed) was facing direction the rain was coming. Poor thing whimpered all night. During the summer I'd see her waterbowl and it would be bone dry. I'd give her water. She became incredibly skinny from lack of food. One time I offered the neighbors to take care of her if they ever needed help - like if they went out of town. I just wanted to be nice without the accusations. They acted as if nothing was wrong and denied my offer to help.
I ended up calling Animal Control to report her lack of water in 100 degree heat. This happened more than once. When we moved I hated to leave her. We have been gone 2 years now but on occasion I drive by and stop to pet her. (Aside from the physical neglect she also receives no play, no petting, no companionship.) The last time I drove by it was one of the coldest nights we have had this winter. Of course she was outside neglected. The owners were home yet seemingly oblivious to her needs. I called Animal Control once again. I assume Animal Control is going over there and talking to them yet apparently they aren't breaking any laws so the dog stays.I guess they realize she will probably not be apodted and since the aren't outright abusing her their hands are tied.
I have recently been told of an group of animal lovers who rescue (steal)these neglected animals and then find them a loving home. This is not the pound or the Animal Humane so she will not be put down but will be found a loving home through a network of people who love animals. There is nothing I want to do more than to rescue this poor creature and not turn a blind eye to her. The only thing I want more is to please God by trusting and obeying Him. I am really not sure though what He would have me do. My heart of love and sense of right and wrong tells me to rescue the dog. Help!
Thank you for your guidance,
Signed, Lover of God and Lover of Animals!
Submitted on Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Dear Lover of God and Lover of Animals,
Being a dog lover myself, I understand your dilemma. However, I find no loop-hole in scripture for steeling an animal. The Ten Commandments clearly state, “Do not steal.” (Ex 20:15). So, stealing the dog, or having it stolen is not the answer. However, neither is turning a blind eye.
God does not condone cruelty to animals, and is no doubt not pleased by the situation. Since your diligent efforts thus far have not resulted in the successful rescue of the dog, there may be something else that the Lord is doing. Perhaps this situation is more about the dog owners than the dog and the dog is simply God’s tool to get your attention.
My recommendation is that you begin an earnest prayer campaign about how God might want to use you in the life of the dog owners. Many people are too busy to walk their dog. Perhaps you can begin to build a relationship with them by going by and honestly telling the owners how much you miss seeing their dog on a regular basis and offer to walk the dog for them. Perhaps you can take water over regularly and leave a kind note on the door letting them know you came by. All of this should be done only if confirmed in prayer, but I heartily believe that the Lord wants your focus on the situation and wants you to pray for the owners as well as the dog.
God works supernaturally, naturally and He definitely has your attention on this situation for a reason – your mission is to discover that reason and walk by His leading.
May He illuminate your prayer life as you pray for your previous neighbors and their salvation!
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
How do you deal with four teenage daughters when you are dating their father who has never had any respect from his children. Do I stick with him or do I break it off? We both attend Calvary with my children, but his children choose not to go and their father lets them make there own choices. His daughters are 21, 19, 17, and 15. Please give me some advice.
Dating a Dad
Submitted on Monday, February 18, 2008
Dear Dating,
If the man you’re dating is not currently leading his children (i.e. letting them do as they choose) then I’m afraid there is little but pain and heart break ahead. He is showing you his leadership style, or lack there of.
One of the primary frustrations of Christian women who are married to Christian men is lack of biblical leadership. Ephesians 6:1-4 gives a very concise role of the father’s role in the family – a father is to bring up his children with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord. We have free will, as do children, but your letter indicates that the man you are dating is not attempting to raise his children in this way. Consequently, the children are not honoring their father as stipulated in the Ten Commandments and reiterated in this section of Ephesians in the New Testament.
There is nothing for you to do about this man’s daughters except pray for them. However, you should seriously reconsider your relationship with the gentleman you are dating since you have children of your own that will need a godly male role-model if you choose to remarry. The man you are currently dating does not seem to be the best option for a biblical father figure.
May His wisdom guide you –
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
There's a lot of talk in the world about 'empty nest syndrome'. Recently our only son, who's 21, moved out of our house to room with some godly young men in the church. We're confident that this was God's perfect timing and plan for him, and he seems to be on a good path.
Happily, he isn't too far away. He and I have always been close, as so many mothers and sons are, but naturally I know things are meant to change now that he's independent. I know a lot of the women in our church have already walked this path, so I'd love to have some biblical encouragement and advice on a mother's role in the life of an unmarried, adult son.
Sincerely,
Empty Nester
Submitted on Saturday, February 09, 2008
Dear Empty Nester,
First let me congratulate you on what sounds to be the successful launching of your adult son. It sounds as though he is walking with the Lord and making good choices thus far, at least in terms of living arrangements.
This is the season where a mother’s role turns from that of an authority figure to friend / advisor/confidant. Young adults have many decisions ahead of them where they may seek parental wisdom, yet will need to make their own decision in the end. The wise parent will plan ahead for their adult child’s trials through prayer and studying scripture related to issues such as finances and debt, dating, relationship struggles, dealing with conflict at work, and many other life challenges that you have already walked through yourself. Not knowing at what age you became a believer, you may or may not have made wise or biblical choices, but by planning ahead and being “prayed up” and “studied up” you will be prepared to offer your son biblical advise regarding situations that await him.
A lovely way to stay involved with your son and keep the communication lines open is to have your son and his friends over for dinner on a regular basis. This creates a situation where topics will naturally present themselves for discussion and you will be able to hear the various points of view of not only your son, but of the young men he is socializing with. These can be the times that memories are made of with seasons of laughter and joy and seasons of difficulty and stress. In each season there will be growth and a greater appreciation of one another.
Then at such time as young women enter the picture, this is a lovely way to get to know them, as well and be available for wise counsel if the young women may be in need.
The line between being available and being intrusive is a fine one, so walk circumspectly and prayerfully. Think of Mary in the life of Jesus, she was on the periphery, involved with the disciples, there at Jesus’ most difficult time of His life here on earth, yet she was not controlling, over involved or intrusive.
Your son is blessed to have such a conscientious and godly mother. May the two of you have an extraordinary and healthy mother-son relationship in the years ahead.
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I know how important spending time in God's Word is to my Christian walk, but I find I have so little time of peace and quiet. With the kids always running around I try and fit study time in during naps. This is so hard because when they are napping I realize how cluttered the house is and want to use that time to straighten things up. Any advice as to how to organize my life so that I can spend those few precious moments with the Lord?
Thanks,
Dee
Submitted on Sunday, January 20, 2008
Dear Dee,
It sounds like it may be time for some changes around the house. You mention that the children are “always running around”. If you embark upon a plan for the kids to participate in some household changes, you may find many rewards including peace, organization, and some high priority time to spend with the Lord.
First, children can greatly benefit from learning how to spend some quality time playing quietly by themselves in their room. There are several resources to consult for age-appropriate lengths of time a child might spend, as well as age appropriate activities to engage in during that time. If your child is old enough to read, they will be blessed by reading Bible stories during this time. Children can be taught that mommy is spending time talking to God and that unless there is an emergency, everyone is going spend (a set amount of time) playing, reading about God, or talking with Him. Set a timer so the children will know when the time is up and thus avoid the perpetual, “Mommy is it time yet?”
Second, even small children can be taught to put things back where they belong when they are finished playing with or using an item. A family can engage in “Pick-up Time” as a group activity, where each member picks up and puts away items for 5 to 15 minutes prior to nap time, bed time, outdoor play time etc.
If the first two plans are implemented, then there should be less to clean up during nap time, and more time for some peace and quiet at another interval in the day. Then the challenge is for you to stick to your priority of ensuring you spend the time with the Lord. Remember what Jesus said to Martha:
We have to tend to our responsibilities in the home, but more importantly, we need to tend to our spiritual relationship with our Lord. The more we need to get done in a day, the more we need to start our day with the Lord!
Good for you for tackling this problem early on. You may find additional resources at Parchment’s Books at Calvary or at the Focus on the Family website.
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I am trying to teach my children to obey my husband's and my rules even when they are not at home. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law does not seem to understand and continually tells the kids, "What mom doesn't know wont hurt her" and lets them break rules like staying up too late or eating sweets right before dinner. I have explained to her how frustrated this makes me but she says I am over reacting. How can I respect her when she doesn't respect me?
Thanks.
Submitted on Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Dear In Need of Advice:
First of all, let me commend you on the structure you have set up with your children. I’m sure the balance you have created allows the kids to play freely and enjoy being kids. Too many times there is an imbalance between fun and discipline when raising children. Lately in our culture, the scales have tipped away from discipline and structure and more toward children ruling the roost. You definitely have your work cut out for you to raise godly, respectful, disciplined children in today’s society. But hang in there and stick to your guns – God will reward your efforts and by God’s grace, your children will grow to be a source of joy in your life.
Hopefully your husband shares your concern about his mother interfering with the way you raise your children. The best approach is for your husband to confront his mother on the issue since she is his mother and there is a natural line of logic.
Assuming your mother-in-law raised your husband to follow her rules, the question is how she would have felt if someone had routinely undermined her efforts. She may say that her actions are harmless and in the name of fun. This presents a natural opening for a discussion of principles and godly principles. How do parents teach their children which rules are okay to follow and which are okay to break? If it’s okay to break the rules if the reason is fun, then what rules will be broken when the children are teenagers and their friends invite them out for fun? Is it okay to break the rules if Grandma says so? Now who is the authority in the children’s lives?
The next layer to address with grandma is what God says about children obeying their parents. Start with the practical and move gently and respectfully toward the topic of grandma teaching the children to disrespect their parents’ rules.
There is nothing dishonoring about having a truthful and loving conversation between son and mother, or if necessary, daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, carefully communicating the damage that her actions cause and the high potential for future problems with rule breaking if the present behavior continues.
The respect and honor for your mother (in-law) will be in the attitude in which you approach the situation. Go to the Lord in prayer first. Be sure not to approach grandma in anger. Go in an attitude of humility – remember that true humility is having a right perspective of self – you are the children’s parents and you are responsible before God for the way they are raised. Grandma is responsible before God to refrain from stumbling the children in the area of honoring their parents.
Perhaps grandma and parents can later agree upon some special boundaries for “Grandma Date Night” where the children know that the special rules that apply on that night are parent approved and blessed.
I’m confident the Lord will hear your prayers and give you His wisdom, gentleness and guidance in approaching grandma.
Blessings to you as you walk through two generations of the Fifth Commandment.
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I have a good friend that has a daughter about the same age as my daughter. Her daughter is very physical. Not only is she very pushy but she has also intentionally hurt my daughter. Her mother(my friend) is in the midst of some physical and spiritual issues and is very consumed with her own health. My daughter has expressed not wanting to play with the other child.
I've also noticed some disturbing behavior that has left me uncomfortable with the possibility of future play dates.
Just recently I saw them both and her daughter intentionally tried to hurt my baby. Her daughter is very sneaky and it makes it hard to be around her. I always have to be on guard. Also, if I try to distract her or kindly ask her to stop, she's very disrespectful to adults (and she's only 3).
I just don't know what to do. I do know that I need to protect my children and that is my first priority. I keep coming up with excuses about why we can't play, but I realize that I can't keep doing that. Do I say something to my friend? I really don't know how to handle this. Please help!
Thank you,
Tired of excues
Submitted on Sunday, December 16, 2007
Dear Tired:
It sounds like your friend desperately needs someone to speak the truth in love to her about her child. Making excuses doesn’t serve anyone well and may be sin on your part (if the excuse is not the real reason your daughter is not playing with her daughter).
God could in fact send a message in a dream, or speak to your friend through the Word, a message at church or a variety of other ways, but it would seem that He has chosen to speak to her though a friend – you.
God’s word affirms that He uses friends to help shape His children.
“As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend” Proverbs 27:17 NLT.
“Wounds from a friend are better than many kisses from an enemy” Proverbs 27:6 NLT.
As you know, when you confront a friend, Scripture also tells us to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).
Pray for God’s wisdom, for the ability to impart both truth and love, and for your friend’s heart to be open to receive what you have to say.
There seems to be quite a problem brewing that your friend needs to tend to sooner rather than later. You might even do a little research about the topic on the Focus on the Family website. James Dobson has written about strong-willed children and, if you call, you may find they have tools your friend might use for dealing with overly aggressive children as well.
Pray first then call your friend and set a time to meet face to face if possible. Pray with her and then begin your discussion by asking her forgiveness for not being completely honest with her about why your daughter has not been allowed to play with her daughter.
Give your friend specific examples of the behavior so she can begin to see the problem. There is no need to beat a dead horse with too many examples, but if you over-generalize chances are your friend will not grasp the situation or the severity thereof. Then pray with her and let her know that, in time, if she begins to make progress with her child, you will be open to a supervised play session to “test the waters.” Your daughter may need the other child to ask forgiveness for her actions before she has any desire to play with her - depending on both girls’ ability to understand the concept.
Until there is at least some change, there is no reason for you to subject your daughter or your baby to a child who may harm them and who disobeys your authority.
The Lord will enable you to find the right words, to stop making excuses, and to speak the truth in love.
No more excuses, rest in the truth.
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
As the new year approaches I'm wondering if you can give me some hints to help bring the joy back to my life? Every year I make resolutions, but they don't seem to stick. So many times I feel like a failure as a Christian, as a wife, and as a friend. How can I make a new start in the new year?
Sincerely,
Out With the Old
Submitted on Friday, December 14, 2007
Dear Out with the Old –
It is that time of year when we all seem to draw what we hope is a line in the sand that marks a new beginning. New habits, new ways of responding to old problems, new mindsets, and on and on. I was so sorry to read that you feel like a failure in important areas. Chances are that you are not a failure in these areas, but simply have not yet attained the goal you have set. Paul the Apostle knew this struggle well. Read what Paul shares about his own struggles with his flesh.
“I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway” Romans 7:19 NLT.
Paul goes on to discuss the nature of sin in our lives and his joy and gratitude that Jesus has freed us from having to be a slave to that sin.
Take comfort in knowing that you are in good company; the company not only of Paul, but every growing Christian. Though salvation is a one time event, sanctification is an on going process that we are never finished with until we are called home.
In his letter the Philippians, Paul writes, “I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be” Philippians 3:12 NLT.
That being said, there are tools we can utilize to help bring about change in our lives. The first and foremost tool is prayer. Specifically, prayer for the Holy Spirit to strengthen us in the area of desired change. Prayer for God to reveal the area of change He would most like to focus on in us, because God may have a different priority in mind.
If the Holy Spirit has confirmed an area for change and you are praying regularly and specifically, then you can begin adding other tools.
Tool #1: Study the scripture to find passages that address the area of change in your life – preferably passages that talk about the positive outcome or the change you wish to make.
Tool#2: Get a Life Application Bible and study to see if there is a person in Scripture who exemplifies the change you wish to make. (In this case Paul might be a good place to start since he has voiced the same struggles you have voiced.) Do a character study on that person to better identify how the behavior played out in his or her life. Picture yourself in her shoes doing the right things she did. Pray for God to help you be more like that person in that particular area.
Tool #3: Find a person around you who made a similar change in a healthy and biblical manner. We seem to make changes more readily if we are emotionally moved by someone we actually know who made a similar change. (This is part of the idea behind weight loss programs that involve group meetings, etc.) Talk to the person, ask her how she made the change and ask if she would keep you in prayer about your desire to change as well. She may even like to be your prayer/accountability partner for a season.
Tool #4: End each day by reviewing what you did well and where you fell down. Then ask the Lord to forgive your sins (name them specifically) and to cleanse you. Ask Him to strengthen you for the next day. Go to sleep knowing that He will.
There is a country song about a beggar outside a monastery who asks one of the monks how he does it – living so pure. The monk responds, “We fall down, we get up. We fall down, we get up. A saint is just a sinner who falls down and gets up.”
The “failure” is not in the falling down, but in the refusal to get back up.
Blessings to you as you get up, and get up, and get up.
I look forward to meeting you in the way, way up!
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I am the youngest of four grown children and my parents are both believers although they don't attend church regularly and their walk is very unstable right now. I worry about them and want them to get back on track with the Lord but every time I say something they brush me off and tell me not to "preach" at them. I want to honor my parents as the Bible says but get very frustrated because they are so empathetic toward their walk. I am torn between feeling responsible to hold them accountable and wanting to honor my mother and father. Help!
Frustrated,
Trying to Honor
Submitted on Thursday, October 18, 2007
Dear Trying to Honor,
There is a temptation to parent our parents when we see them doing, or not doing things that we disagree with. However, if your parents have asked you not to “preach” at them, then you should honor their request and reign in the speech patterns, vocal inflections, or messages that are triggering their response. That is not to say that you should not pray for them and continue to be a loving child to them. Much like winning an unsaved spouse to the Lord, much more is accomplished through your example than your words.
“...that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives.” 1 Peter 3:1
Though this verse refers to wives submitting to their husbands, it offers an effective way to influence another person who is not obeying the word.
Each of us is responsible to “work out our faith with fear and trembling.” We cannot work out another person’s faith for them, nor can we walk their walk or change their hearts – that is the job of the Holy Spirit. Your job is to honor your parents, pray for them, and love them.
Replace the “preaching” with praying and setting a godly example in your conduct and wait to see what the Lord will do. After all, His desire is even stronger than yours to bring your parents to spiritual maturity.
Blessings to you –
Gracie
My husband is addicted to drugs. I would like to handle this problem in the way the Lord would want, but every time I notice he is using them I get angry and have a bad attitude. How should I handle this? Do I just ignore it and act like everything is fine? He does go to church with us, but thats the extent of his walk with God.
Thanks.
Submitted on Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Dear One,
Your letter breaks my heart, and no doubt breaks the heart of God. This is a much bigger issue than can be handled in this letter. Both you and your husband need to speak with a pastor and get biblical counsel. A good first place to go is to the Calvary website to the Drug and Alcohol ministry page. If your husband will not seek biblical counsel, you still need to speak with a pastor to learn how to navigate this very difficult situation.
The pastors involved with the drug and alcohol ministry have a great deal of experience with situations just like yours and will be a rich source of help, information, support, and encouragement.
Please do not go this one alone. Please contact the church and make an appointment to address this very serious issue as soon as possible. In no way should you ignore the issue and act like everything is fine. Everything is not fine. The scriptures that warn against drunkenness can be applied toward drug usage as well. God is emphatic in His word about the dangers of drunkenness – it is a sin against the body, the mind, and even the spirit.
Being angry at drug abuse is righteous anger. However, the challenge is to be angry and not sin. Again, please contact the church immediately to get biblical guidance for your particular circumstances.
Blessings to you – know that I have prayed and will continue to pray for you.
Gracie
Hi Gracie,
I have a great friend who is going through some physical and spiritual issues. She is so focused on herself and her pain. She wants a solution for her pain and she wants a fix now. She asks for my advice and I keep directing her back to God's word, but I don't know if she really is listening. This has been going on for months and I just have a hard time talking to her. I wish she could see that God will carry her through. I just need some practical ways of communicating to her and some more biblical principles to share with her.
Thanks Gracie!
Blessings,
tired of listening
Submitted on Thursday, September 27, 2007
Dear Tired of Listening,
Your friend may or may not have some real physical issues that she is trying to find solutions for. Though God carries us through our physical maladies, He also gives us vast resources to investigate and pursue through prayerful consideration. This is not a fast course. Consider the woman with the issue of blood for twelve years (Mt 9:20, Mk 5:25, Lk 8:43). Luke records that she had spent all of her livelihood on physicians and could not be healed by any. Matthew records that she said to herself, “If only I may touch His garment, I shall be made well.” Jesus’ response was, “Be of good cheer, your faith has made you well.” He didn’t rebuke her for seeking healing or for spending her livelihood on physicians. He joyfully healed her and she is recorded as an example of faith.
There is a way to pursue healing with the Lord guiding the pursuit, and a way to pursue healing without the Lord’s guidance. There isn’t really enough information in your email to determine if your friend is genuinely pursuing healing with or without the Lord’s guidance.
My caution goes to anyone coming alongside another who may actually have a chronic illness. Proceed with caution, prayer and introspection. The mind, body, and spirit are linked together and when one system goes down it tends to pull the others along with it. A person who is ill might find herself wavering in her spiritual life and getting depressed. A person who is falling into sin might find herself becoming ill, loosing sleep, and becoming depressed. A person who is depressed might find herself ineffective in her prayer life and in need of the intercession of friends.
For lack of a better term, it is a sticky wicket. Proceed with caution and humility. Your friend may be genuinely seeking healing for what ails her and she may be turning to you as a sounding board, or for support, or to keep from playing the same record to her spouse–if she has one. If she is not married, she needs a friend even more.
My suggestion is that you spend a lot of extra time in prayer asking God to give you His wisdom and insight into the matter. Does He want you to correct or console? Is this her trial only, or is He asking you to help carry another’s burden? No one on the outside can answer this for you, but I can highly encourage that you ask some different questions.
There are blessings to be had in being a friend to someone with a chronic illness. The blessing of carrying another’s burden. The blessing of learning patience and longsuffering. The blessing of learning to be gracious when you are tired. The blessing of watching their faith grow as they draw near to God. The blessing of intercessory prayer.
I don’t know if your friend is chronically ill or not, but it sounds like she doesn’t know either. I will pray for God’s wisdom upon you both and that you come to understand His role for you in her life.
May His grace be upon you both –
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I am a Christian mother and I raised my children in a godly home. Now that they are teenagers they no longer want to come to church and seem to have no appetite for spiritual things. Help! I know that the Bible says, "Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). But how long do I have to wait. I'm losing heart and hope.
Signed,
Hope Less
Submitted on Friday, August 17, 2007
Dear Hope Less,
You are certainly not alone in your sorrow for your teenagers. If we only knew how long we had to wait, it wouldn't take so much faith! First and foremost, you must remember the cliché that God is even more interested in their spiritual walk than you are. It's said again and again because we tend to forget it again and again. That being said, God no doubt wants to converse with you about your teenagers, both through your prayers and through Him speaking, which requires a time of listening.
As you search through scripture, begin thanking the Lord for the examples He has given in His word for the salvation of the most unlikely people, such as Saul of Tarsus. Read the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke and thank Him. As you focus on praising the Lord for the work He has done in others, and the hope He offers in His word, He will build your faith.
The teenage years are often difficult for everyone in the family. Teens begin to test their independence and parents try desperately to balance loosening the apron strings and reigning in wild stallions!
Don't be afraid to discuss your sorrow and frustration with others. Often we feel as though we have somehow failed as parents when our children stray off course. You have done what scripture has instructed by raising them in the ways of the Lord, and now you have the opportunity to grow in your faith by trusting the Holy Spirit to water the seeds you have planted and to bring the harvest. Chances are that there are other mothers in your church with similar sorrows and frustrations, ask God to bring them to your awareness so you may hold one another up in prayer.
As you pray for your teens, lift up teens across the country and throughout the world who are lost. Interceding in this matter will greatly please your Father.
As a resource, go to the Focus on the Family website (www.focusonthefamily.com) and view some of their resources on parenting teens. There are times to sit back a little and times to take drastic action. Without knowing your circumstances, I would be remiss in advising either course. Let the Holy Spirit guide you to some biblical resources that will help you navigate the next few years.
In closing, I offer you my "life’s verse":
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11.
May His hope fill you,
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
My home is full of clutter. My bookshelves are full of magazines, knickknacks, and photos I just can't seem to part with. My counters are covered with coupons, clippings, and my kids artwork. Don't even get me started with all the stuff in my bathroom, the hair products and appliance are a tangled, sticky mess. Help! My husband is embarrassed to invite friends over. How do I simplify and organize?
Regretfully,
IM. Fuller
Submitted on Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Dear I.M. Fuller –
Take heart, there are small steps you can take that will collectively have a big pay off! Sandra Felton, "The Organizer Lady" who is the founder of Messie’s Annonymous, and author of several books on the subject says,
"The problem is not the house; it is the way you live in the house. Without realizing it, you have developed ways of thinking, feeling, and living that have step-by-step created the condition of the home you see around you."
Though there are numerous quick fixes - from baskets and bins to closet organizers and garage sales, chances are, the problem will reoccur shortly after "the big clean up" unless there is lasting change in behavior patterns. The good news is that Felton offers a week of free coaching on her website, www.messies.com, where she gives daily instruction that address both the clutter in the home and the behavior, thoughts and feelings that keep the clutter coming back again and again.
If tackling the assignment seems overwhelming, enlist the help of a friend, your children, or a local organizational professional to help you get on track. As you de-clutter remember that there are many local charities that can put extra blankets, towels, clothes, toiletries and many other household items to good use. As you change the way you live in your home, not only will you bless your husband and your family, but you will be a conduit for blessing others.
May God’s peace fill the space where the clutter used to be –
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I'm new to town and new to my church. I really want to develop some meaningful friendships, but I'm afraid of rejection. I don't want to come off needy or pushy. I really think I have a lot to offer and am willing to be a giver not just a receiver. Can you give me some creative ways to get out of my shell and into circulation?
Signed,
Shelly
Submitted on Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Dear Shelly –
Bravo! Thank you for being willing to step out and meet new people and to give to others. There are many opportunities at Calvary and other churches to get involved in smaller groups where it’s easier to begin to really connect with people. Here is a quick sampling of some possibilities:
The Women at Calvary have a Bible study every semester, the next one starts September 4, 2007. There is a general assembly and then the women break into smaller groups to discuss the lecture and the study. Many women have formed deep and lasting friendships with the other women in their small group. These groups cross age gaps, life-stage gaps, status gaps and most other gaps you can think of. The small groups are a rich source of women who are oriented toward studying God’s Word and building relationships.
Volunteer ministries abound, and they are in need of an extra set of hands. Most of the volunteer ministries also offer the opportunity to get to know your fellow volunteers on a meaningful and rewarding level. Calvary has an extensive list of ministry opportunities at the information desk. Some of the areas include; food pantry, greeters, parking lot, silver saints, singles, children’s ministry, jail ministry, even a guitar ministry! The main website has more information about each area as well as additional opportunities (www.calvaryabq.org).
Don’t be afraid to look at your current acquaintances to see if God might want to further develop a relationship with someone you already know. I once called a woman I had just met in my small group to see if she wanted to be work out partners, four years later we were the best of friends. And just the other day a woman I recently met called me and asked if I would like to have lunch sometime, she said she would like to make more Christian friends. I was so honored that she asked. We are, indeed going to have lunch together next week!
As you step out in faith, may God richly bless you with friends who show His love to you.
Gracie
(Be sure to write back and let me know how it’s going.)
Dear Gracie,
I've always heard about men having a mid-life crisis. You know the stereotypical gold chains and red sports car. But recently I've seen some of my friends, who are woman, going through their own forty-something confusion. They are talking about plastic surgery, going out for drinks with the girls, and even doing a little flirting with men in the office. I'm very concerned about their relationship with the Lord. I wonder what the cause is and what I should say to these ladies in limbo.
Sincerely,
Connie Tent
Submitted on Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Dear Connie,
Bless you for noticing and wanting to help your friends who are heading down dangerous paths. There seems to be an increasing number of women experiencing a female version of "mid-life crisis." Some researches have attributed the male and female mid-life crisis to achieving a stage of life where people feel like they have experienced the gamut of life's feelings. Love, pain, excitement, depression, great achievement, great disappointment etc. The mid-life crisis frequently results from a desire to experience strong new positive feelings or to try and recreate the intensity of past positive feelings. In order to create the desired feeling, men and women often try to recreate something about their youth that they remember fondly – their first love, first car, first kiss. The problem stems from letting feelings rule over commitment to God and family. Jeremiah wrote, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?"(Jeremiah 17:9).
Other professionals think that the mid-life crisis stems from having dreamed great dreams that have not yet been fulfilled and experiencing a sort of panic that time is running out and a person must throw caution to the wind and pursue the dream at all cost. Many times the dream was really more of an unrealistic expectation for their life. Sometimes, it is simply a dream whose time has not yet come. If a dream is ordained by God, then there will be a God ordained time and way to get there. "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3:1). We need not, and dare not, disobey God’s principles to try and force a dream into being.
Your friends are in an emotionally driven battle that is very powerful, but not more powerful than God. Commit to pray specifically and regularly for your friends that they will turn back to the Lord in repentance before damage is done. Let them know how concerned you are for their welfare and the welfare of their family. Let them know you are diligently interceding on their behalf. And if you are able, try to direct them to a qualified biblical counselor who can help them sort through their confusion.
They are blessed to have you as a friend –
Gracie