Dear Gracie
If you're looking for some practical, biblically based advice, look no farther than Dear Gracie. She'll share sound advice for today's contemporary issues. Submit your question today, or read her column and glean from advice given to others.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).
Topics
Friends & Relationships | Health | Marriage & Family | Spiritual Walk
Friends & Relationships
Gracie,
I have found "the one." I prayed for what has seemed like forever for God to reveal to me a partner who could lead and bring me even closer to Him. He is truly a man of God, very devoted and faithful and always showing his desire to lead. I am very greatful, but I am afraid I am not worthy of this wonderful man. I want to be worthy of him, but I don't know where to begin? Please, any guidance or suggestions are appreciated.
Submitted on Tuesday, May 25, 2010 | Comments (0) | Submit a Comment
Dear Feeling Unworthy -
The way to be worthy is to be a glorious woman for God. The way to feel worthy is another story all together. My guess is that those around you who know and love you think you are indeed worthy of this man that God has seemingly brought into your life. I suspect that if your fear of being unworthy were fleeting, you would not be writing to me. Therefore I am going to assume that you have already heard from this man of God and friends and family that you are in fact worthy, and yet you doubt.
There are many verses in scripture that deal with doubt, self-worth, Jesus' love for us etc. I suggest you embark on a study of those verses and commit them to memory. Additionally, I recommend you get Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity. Insecurity can ruin an otherwise beautiful and God-ordained relationship. Moore's book does and excellent job of helping the reader root out the insecurities in her life and move on to a place of anchored value in the eyes of God.
Blessings to you as you embark on the journey of discovering your worthiness in the eyes of God, your creator.
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
How do you talk to someone about how amazing God is when the people you want to talk to honestly dont want to hear it. The individuals I want to talk to are very close to me and DO belive in God but thats about as far as their encounters go.
I was saved about 5 months ago and I want to bring those I love to God. The #1 person on my list right now is my boyfriend whom I have been with for a little over 6 years. We met in high school and fell head over heals for each other and have been attached at the hip ever since. We see each other eveyday and get along great. I have been praying everyday all day since being saved that God will humble and touch his heart, but I want to talk to him as well about how amazing God is. But, how do I start? What do I begin to say? What do I do if I am shot down? Since I am representing God any advice or tips on how to talk to someone on this level would be great.
I really appreciate your help and time!
Thank you so much.
-H
Submitted on Sunday, October 18, 2009 | Comments (0) | Submit a Comment
Dear H.,
We share our faith in two ways: We share through the literal sharing of the gospel account and by the way we live our lives. When we come into a relationship with Christ, we are in fact, born again - we are different. Some people have radical outward change, for some the outward change is more gradual. But all Christians are radically different inside from the point of salvation.
The best way to share your faith with another person is to live your faith out loud. By that, I mean live your life in such a way that the people around you cannot help but notice a difference IN you. Then, when they notice the change, be ready to share the gospel with them. Be ready to tell them what Jesus has done for you, and is willing to do for them.
Billy Graham says it best, "Every Christian is to be a witness; every follower of Christ is to preach the Gospel. We can preach by sharing our experience with others. We can preach by exalting Christ in our daily lives. Sermons which are seen are often more effective than those which are heard. The truth is, the best sermons are both heard and seen."
Begin with prayer. Ask the Lord to fill you with His Holy Spirit and give you a spirit of boldness to share with your friends and family. Ask for discernment. Then, study the Gospel account on an ongoing basis. Google, "The Roman Road" and you will find a good scriptural path to follow. Don't worry, you don't have to memorize it to be an effective witness. (However, when you do get to the point of having scripture memorized you will be blessed by the effect!) Next, take a moment to write down your personal testimony. Just answer three simple questions in your own words:
Once you get your thoughts down on paper, mull your testimony over in your mind, and always be ready to share.
"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." 1 Peter 3:15 (NIV)
A final note regarding your boyfriend...be sure to not marry an unbeliever and become unequally yoked. If you have questions on this topic feel free to write back, review other Dear Gracie letters on the topic, or visit with one of the assistant pastors.
May you be filled with His boldness,
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
For the past year, I have devolped feelings for a man that is much younger than me, more than 10 years. Not only that, but he is a co-worker working in the same department as me. I have talked with a pastor and he said that there is nothing in the Bible about age differences. I have prayed that God would either reveal to us if we are to be together or to take the feelings away. All of a sudden the feelings were gone, but now I feel them creeping back in.
He is an amazing man with an awesome heart. I'm worried that I only have feelings for him because of the way he treats me. I have thought he has given me signs that he feels the same way but I don't know 100%. Whenever he sees me, I feel like he is genuinely happy to see me. He gets the cutest, biggest smile on his face that makes me melt! When he talks to me, I feel like he truly is interested in what I am saying. When I am hurting, he shows me amazing kindness. I have never been treated this way by a man before, ever.
I wrote him a letter a few months ago telling him how I feel but I could not bring myself to give it to him. I know the Bible says we are not to have fear but I can't remove it. The most important thing is that I do not want to cause anyone to be uncomfortable. If I tell him how I feel and he doesn't have the same feelings, it might make things awkward at work. We've gone out to lunch together as friends a couple of times. The last time was kind of awkward, though. We only engaged in small talk with very little eye contact.
I have never felt this way about a man, not even past relationships. He just makes me feel good and special. If I'm having a bad day, he can change that just by coming into the room and smiling. I feel like it's getting somewhat harder to be around him. I treat him like a brother but with a little flirting. Nothing inappropriate though. Little smiles, little teasing, a touch on the arm as I walk by.
We also don't have much in common other than work and we are both Christians. I love country music and he doesn't like it. Country is big in my life because that is all I listen to! I love going to the concerts and going to the rodeo. Other than him not liking country music, I don't know what he does like. I'm into "chick-flicks" and he's into action. Do opposites attract and work in relationships?
HELP! Is he the "one" for me and how do I know for sure?
Confused and In Love
Submitted on Tuesday, May 19, 2009 | Comments (0) | Submit a Comment
Dear Confused and In Love,
Do opposites attract? Yes, but often they don’t mix well. Complimentary is a better recipe for success.
Aside from music and work, seek to find out more about this “amazing man” in terms of his spiritual maturity, his emotional maturity, his dedication to others and his ability to commit to relationships. Feelings for him are a good and necessary ingredient for success if the more important ingredients for a successful relationship are present. Feelings alone cannot sustain a marriage.
Set up some group activities with your friends and invite him to join. Invite him once or twice and then wait to see if he will take the lead. (If he won’t take the lead early on, he is not likely to take the lead in marriage!)
Tommy Nelson has a DVD series called, “The Song of Solomon.” Throughout the series he dissects the attraction, courtship, engagement, marriage, and first lovers quarrel set forth from the same namesake in scripture. He has great advice for single Christians with doubts about whom they should date. He tells singles to run as fast and as hard as they can toward the Lord, look to the right and to the left and see who is beside you. These people will most likely be your best life partners!
It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. (Gen 2:18)
Run strong and may the Lord bless you as you do!
Gracie
Dear Gracie:
I've been friends with this girl for more than 10 years, since University. We've gone through good times and bad times, prayed for each other... studied together, celebrated birthdays, and holidays, graduation, my wedding, the death and sickness of dear ones, her wedding, etc. Though I moved away we kept in touch. Then she moved away and we still were in touch. In short, we were old good friends. Now she is enrolled in this higher education program, which is very intense. I understand that she is very busy. She did not return my phone calls for months. When I finally I got through with a phone call, she apologized for not calling back. I told her my husband and I had a 4-day long event in her city and I would love to see her and her husband for supper or something. I sent her the schedule of the event by e-mail. I did not hear back from her. I understand that she might have had something more important to do or an exam to study for. I just wish she had called or e-mailed to say so. I feel really hurt because I've been the only one taking the initiative to reach her, but she doesn't seem to care. A month before my trip to her city she was here where I live and she didn't let me know. It's been one thing after the other. My husband has always told me that she only cares about herself, and I never paid attention to that. But now I feel like he's right.
I just want to stop trying to be friends. I don't want to call her for her birthday. I wish she knew how hurt I am but I'm affraid she doesn't care! Should I just stop calling and trying? Should I just forget she exists? I feel like she has forgotten me already. I didn't do anything bad to her that I know of. She doesn't seem angry, just too busy for me. I don't know what to do. Please help.
Love,
The Forgotten Friend
Submitted on Tuesday, October 21, 2008 | Comments (0) | Submit a Comment
Dear Forgotten Friend:
Changing dynamics in friendships can be challenging, and sometimes painful. Maintaining a friendship requires effort on the part of both friends. Sadly, as life goes on, one person in a friendship may find that she can no longer maintain the relationship for some reason.
Your friend may be going through a hard time, she may simply be focused on herself, or a hundred other possibilities may be in play. Since she has not shared the details with you, refrain from assuming you know the reason she is distancing from you. However, you may choose to alter your level of effort in maintaining the friendship and invest your efforts in friendships based on mutual interest in maintaining the relationship.
Rather than “forgetting she exists,” I suggest you draft a letter to your friend, and in love, share with her how sad you are about the change in your relationship. Refrain from judging her motives, offer to keep her in your prayers (only if you can do so with a sincere heart), and extend the invitation for her to contact you in the future if or when she would like to get back on track with the friendship. You never know what the Lord may be doing now or in the future.
Forgive her and pray for the Lord to bring you a healthy friendship that glorifies Him and brings joy and growth into your life. There are so many lonely people all around us, the Lord is sure to bring someone to you who will be richly blessed by your friendship.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Phil 4:8)
May His blessings of friendship be upon you,
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I have a married co-worker who is always asking for time off because her husband "says so." She is only part-time but I feel that she spends more time away from work than actually at work. I am now full-time but I never get to ask for time off. I am single and where we work, we do have to work holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter. My co-worker is always off for these holidays because her husband "says so" or she will quit. This is unfair not only to me but to my other co-workers. I feel like I am being "punished" by her because God has not provided a husband for me yet. Why shouldn't I get to take a holiday off? I spend them with my mom and sister, so that too should count. Our boss even joked with her and said "Tell me when you are going to work." What can I do?
Signed Full-Time Single Worker
Submitted on Monday, April 07, 2008 | Comments (0) | Submit a Comment
Dear Full-Time Single Worker,
Your company should have a policy for all employees, full- and part-time, regarding time off, sick leave, etc. Respectfully ask your employer to provide, or create a policy in writing so everyone can have a clear understanding of company policies. A company has the right to set their own policies that conform to the prevailing laws, including laws regarding discrimination. Those policies should be understood by everyone in the company, and adhered to by employer and employee.
The situation has nothing to do with being “punished” for being single by your co-worker. Your co-worker is not responsible for setting or enforcing company policy.
Read the Parable of the Laborers, Mathew 10:1-16. Note that the amount of work differed greatly for the same pay – a denarius. In our flesh we want to cry, “That’s not fair!” which is basically what the laborers did when they murmured against the landowner. However, each worker was paid the agreed upon amount.
If you were hired with the understanding that you would work all holidays, then nothing has changed in terms of your agreement with your employer. Your letter indicates you are more upset about your co-worker not being required to work holidays than you are about you being required to work holidays. Keep your focus on the agreement you made with your employer upon your hire, not on whatever agreement your co-worker may have with your employer.
Remember to be respectful when interacting with your employer – you represent a much greater Master in heaven.
Blessing to you –
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
How do you deal with four teenage daughters when you are dating their father who has never had any respect from his children. Do I stick with him or do I break it off? We both attend Calvary with my children, but his children choose not to go and their father lets them make there own choices. His daughters are 21, 19, 17, and 15. Please give me some advice.
Dating a Dad
Submitted on Monday, February 18, 2008 | Comments (0) | Submit a Comment
Dear Dating,
If the man you’re dating is not currently leading his children (i.e. letting them do as they choose) then I’m afraid there is little but pain and heart break ahead. He is showing you his leadership style, or lack there of.
One of the primary frustrations of Christian women who are married to Christian men is lack of biblical leadership. Ephesians 6:1-4 gives a very concise role of the father’s role in the family – a father is to bring up his children with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord. We have free will, as do children, but your letter indicates that the man you are dating is not attempting to raise his children in this way. Consequently, the children are not honoring their father as stipulated in the Ten Commandments and reiterated in this section of Ephesians in the New Testament.
There is nothing for you to do about this man’s daughters except pray for them. However, you should seriously reconsider your relationship with the gentleman you are dating since you have children of your own that will need a godly male role-model if you choose to remarry. The man you are currently dating does not seem to be the best option for a biblical father figure.
May His wisdom guide you –
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I have a good friend that has a daughter about the same age as my daughter. Her daughter is very physical. Not only is she very pushy but she has also intentionally hurt my daughter. Her mother(my friend) is in the midst of some physical and spiritual issues and is very consumed with her own health. My daughter has expressed not wanting to play with the other child.
I've also noticed some disturbing behavior that has left me uncomfortable with the possibility of future play dates.
Just recently I saw them both and her daughter intentionally tried to hurt my baby. Her daughter is very sneaky and it makes it hard to be around her. I always have to be on guard. Also, if I try to distract her or kindly ask her to stop, she's very disrespectful to adults (and she's only 3).
I just don't know what to do. I do know that I need to protect my children and that is my first priority. I keep coming up with excuses about why we can't play, but I realize that I can't keep doing that. Do I say something to my friend? I really don't know how to handle this. Please help!
Thank you,
Tired of excues
Submitted on Sunday, December 16, 2007 | Comments (0) | Submit a Comment
Dear Tired:
It sounds like your friend desperately needs someone to speak the truth in love to her about her child. Making excuses doesn’t serve anyone well and may be sin on your part (if the excuse is not the real reason your daughter is not playing with her daughter).
God could in fact send a message in a dream, or speak to your friend through the Word, a message at church or a variety of other ways, but it would seem that He has chosen to speak to her though a friend – you.
God’s word affirms that He uses friends to help shape His children.
“As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend” Proverbs 27:17 NLT.
“Wounds from a friend are better than many kisses from an enemy” Proverbs 27:6 NLT.
As you know, when you confront a friend, Scripture also tells us to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).
Pray for God’s wisdom, for the ability to impart both truth and love, and for your friend’s heart to be open to receive what you have to say.
There seems to be quite a problem brewing that your friend needs to tend to sooner rather than later. You might even do a little research about the topic on the Focus on the Family website. James Dobson has written about strong-willed children and, if you call, you may find they have tools your friend might use for dealing with overly aggressive children as well.
Pray first then call your friend and set a time to meet face to face if possible. Pray with her and then begin your discussion by asking her forgiveness for not being completely honest with her about why your daughter has not been allowed to play with her daughter.
Give your friend specific examples of the behavior so she can begin to see the problem. There is no need to beat a dead horse with too many examples, but if you over-generalize chances are your friend will not grasp the situation or the severity thereof. Then pray with her and let her know that, in time, if she begins to make progress with her child, you will be open to a supervised play session to “test the waters.” Your daughter may need the other child to ask forgiveness for her actions before she has any desire to play with her - depending on both girls’ ability to understand the concept.
Until there is at least some change, there is no reason for you to subject your daughter or your baby to a child who may harm them and who disobeys your authority.
The Lord will enable you to find the right words, to stop making excuses, and to speak the truth in love.
No more excuses, rest in the truth.
Gracie
Hi Gracie,
I have a great friend who is going through some physical and spiritual issues. She is so focused on herself and her pain. She wants a solution for her pain and she wants a fix now. She asks for my advice and I keep directing her back to God's word, but I don't know if she really is listening. This has been going on for months and I just have a hard time talking to her. I wish she could see that God will carry her through. I just need some practical ways of communicating to her and some more biblical principles to share with her.
Thanks Gracie!
Blessings,
tired of listening
Submitted on Thursday, September 27, 2007 | Comments (0) | Submit a Comment
Dear Tired of Listening,
Your friend may or may not have some real physical issues that she is trying to find solutions for. Though God carries us through our physical maladies, He also gives us vast resources to investigate and pursue through prayerful consideration. This is not a fast course. Consider the woman with the issue of blood for twelve years (Mt 9:20, Mk 5:25, Lk 8:43). Luke records that she had spent all of her livelihood on physicians and could not be healed by any. Matthew records that she said to herself, “If only I may touch His garment, I shall be made well.” Jesus’ response was, “Be of good cheer, your faith has made you well.” He didn’t rebuke her for seeking healing or for spending her livelihood on physicians. He joyfully healed her and she is recorded as an example of faith.
There is a way to pursue healing with the Lord guiding the pursuit, and a way to pursue healing without the Lord’s guidance. There isn’t really enough information in your email to determine if your friend is genuinely pursuing healing with or without the Lord’s guidance.
My caution goes to anyone coming alongside another who may actually have a chronic illness. Proceed with caution, prayer and introspection. The mind, body, and spirit are linked together and when one system goes down it tends to pull the others along with it. A person who is ill might find herself wavering in her spiritual life and getting depressed. A person who is falling into sin might find herself becoming ill, loosing sleep, and becoming depressed. A person who is depressed might find herself ineffective in her prayer life and in need of the intercession of friends.
For lack of a better term, it is a sticky wicket. Proceed with caution and humility. Your friend may be genuinely seeking healing for what ails her and she may be turning to you as a sounding board, or for support, or to keep from playing the same record to her spouse–if she has one. If she is not married, she needs a friend even more.
My suggestion is that you spend a lot of extra time in prayer asking God to give you His wisdom and insight into the matter. Does He want you to correct or console? Is this her trial only, or is He asking you to help carry another’s burden? No one on the outside can answer this for you, but I can highly encourage that you ask some different questions.
There are blessings to be had in being a friend to someone with a chronic illness. The blessing of carrying another’s burden. The blessing of learning patience and longsuffering. The blessing of learning to be gracious when you are tired. The blessing of watching their faith grow as they draw near to God. The blessing of intercessory prayer.
I don’t know if your friend is chronically ill or not, but it sounds like she doesn’t know either. I will pray for God’s wisdom upon you both and that you come to understand His role for you in her life.
May His grace be upon you both –
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
I've always heard about men having a mid-life crisis. You know the stereotypical gold chains and red sports car. But recently I've seen some of my friends, who are woman, going through their own forty-something confusion. They are talking about plastic surgery, going out for drinks with the girls, and even doing a little flirting with men in the office. I'm very concerned about their relationship with the Lord. I wonder what the cause is and what I should say to these ladies in limbo.
Sincerely,
Connie Tent
Submitted on Wednesday, August 08, 2007 | Comments (0) | Submit a Comment
Dear Connie,
Bless you for noticing and wanting to help your friends who are heading down dangerous paths. There seems to be an increasing number of women experiencing a female version of "mid-life crisis." Some researches have attributed the male and female mid-life crisis to achieving a stage of life where people feel like they have experienced the gamut of life's feelings. Love, pain, excitement, depression, great achievement, great disappointment etc. The mid-life crisis frequently results from a desire to experience strong new positive feelings or to try and recreate the intensity of past positive feelings. In order to create the desired feeling, men and women often try to recreate something about their youth that they remember fondly – their first love, first car, first kiss. The problem stems from letting feelings rule over commitment to God and family. Jeremiah wrote, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?"(Jeremiah 17:9).
Other professionals think that the mid-life crisis stems from having dreamed great dreams that have not yet been fulfilled and experiencing a sort of panic that time is running out and a person must throw caution to the wind and pursue the dream at all cost. Many times the dream was really more of an unrealistic expectation for their life. Sometimes, it is simply a dream whose time has not yet come. If a dream is ordained by God, then there will be a God ordained time and way to get there. "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3:1). We need not, and dare not, disobey God’s principles to try and force a dream into being.
Your friends are in an emotionally driven battle that is very powerful, but not more powerful than God. Commit to pray specifically and regularly for your friends that they will turn back to the Lord in repentance before damage is done. Let them know how concerned you are for their welfare and the welfare of their family. Let them know you are diligently interceding on their behalf. And if you are able, try to direct them to a qualified biblical counselor who can help them sort through their confusion.
They are blessed to have you as a friend –
Gracie